Following the announcement yesterday that there is to be a General Election it has become known that one of our most famous comedy characters, Mr Punch, is considering running for office.
” Well The Ouse of Commons is like a Punch and Judy show most of the time so I shoulds fit right in. I don’t go much for kissing babies as you all know but the people of this country want straight talking and I don’t mess about. I believe in democracy and anyone who argues with me knows what they will get. I plan to drastically shorten the time taken to make decisions and put an end to lengthy debates. A few quick taps with my slapstick will soon sort things out. I’m a very fair man and what happened to Judy, The Policeman and the Doctor were all honest mistakes like any other MP could make like with their expenses and stuff like that. It was all within the rules! ”
When asked about transparency he replied:
” Of course there should be transparency. The voters don’t want a Parliament full of dodgy people who are lining their own pockets and saying one thing whilst doing something else. Look at my face. Do I look honest? Can you see any mischief in my eyes? Go on take a good look. Now compare me to Gordon, Dave or Nick. You see, we’re all the same. You can trust me just as much as you can trust them…honest! ”
Punch’s view on the voting system.
” Well I don’t agree with proportional representation as I am much smaller than everyone else, being just a puppet, so obviously my votes would be less. I would however change the system so that I got to count all the votes myself. This would be much easier than going through the hassle of boundary changes to rig the voting in favour of one party or another. The only way to be sure of winning is to do it all yourself and like I said before I believe in democracy and so I’d have to make sure people got the PM they really want…ME! ”
Punch’s opinion of “Red Tape”
” I don’t like red tape. There is far too much of it. My costume is mainly red and I’m sick of that too. I’ve been out on the hustings and folk are grumbling about the sheer amount of red tape we have to put up with. It makes me wonder if some cabinet minister has an undisclosed interest in a red tape company somewhere. My first act as Prime Minister would be to abolish all red tape. If you vote for me you will be voting for change. I promise there will be no more red tape. It will be either blue, yellow or green instead or possibly some kind of combination ”
Asked about other reforms he had in mind.
” It will be illegal to own a crocodile as they are nasty vicious creatures and I don’t like having my nose bitten. Also the laws on sausages need tightening up”
Gordon Brown can rely on Lord Mandelson to orchestrate his election campaign. Do you have a figure of similar competence and stature to run things for you.
” Yes, Joey the Clown is my number two. I’m confident that Joey will soon have the voters falling about laughing equally as much as Peter Mandelson or any of the other big shots. Joey knows how to tell a good porky so I’m leaving it up to him ”
What is your campaign slogan?
” I’ve chosen Oh I do like to be beside the seaside because it has a nice catchy tune that voters can sing along to and it doesn’t really mean anything because what I say I’m going to do and what I do once I’m PM will be different anyway…That’s The way to do it! ”
End Of Interview